Broken Doll

Seriously. You have all, from the beginning, acted towards me as if loving him were some gigantic character flaw. You know who you are. If that’s how you truly feel, I pity your lovers. Should they so much as go on a two-week business trip, they’re going to come back to find all their stuff dumped out on the lawn.

And yet I’m the one who’s fucked up. Sure I am.

Tired—not-tired. I got home from ritual, burned the letter and lay down for a nap, thinking I wouldn’t be able to sleep and ending up deep and black for 2 hours. I spent the rest of the night obsessing about how to get the damn template working, and now I feel disconnected. Surreal.

Keeping those things at an emotional distance from my heart, holding it but holding it at arm’s length. I am at the skittered exhausted edges of depression. Woke up this morning with a crushing headache and every once in a while throughout the day it returns, sudden, like having someone ram a steel spike through my temple. It stays for several moments, then dims to tolerable levels before fading completely a few minutes later.

Today I can build a wall around myself, keep his ghost at arm’s length, and can look up at the clear blue sky and smile and almost feel it. At the end of ritual I cut a length of ribbon from the Maypole and I now wear it around my neck. The pet tag is strung onto it. It’s not a collar but maybe it will help.

Today: blue for water, blue for West, blue for emotional depth and stability. I called West for ritual; I brought blue ribbon for the Maypole, I wear it now around my neck. If there is any magick left in me I wish-for-work-for emotional stability, depth, centeredness for both of us. I burned the letter — fire and air, passion and communication. Maybe sending it on to him this way first will inspire him to hear and understand what I’m saying when I give it to him later.

Beltaine is the worst time to be alone. We sing of love and lust, pleasure and joy — and all I can think is that I knew it once. I had it once. There has been something of a calm the past couple days, a sense that maybe this really is only temporary, and things will come full circle for us eventually.

Maybe, someday. I keep it all at arm’s length because tonight I am too tired to cry.