Broken Doll

I haven’t slept in about 10 days or so. Not that I’m not exhausted. I’ll stay up til 12.30am or so dinking around online waiting for my body and mind to settle. Then I’ll go to my bed and read til 1.30am or so… still waiting. Crying sometimes. Mostly waiting. I can turn off the light but whether or not I sleep is up in the air. Monday night it was past 2.30am at least — after a while I just stopped looking at the clock.

Sometimes I’ll wander back to the computer. Sometimes I’ll see him on AIM, still online and active. Some small comfort. At least I’m not the only one who can’t sleep.

Creeping numbness. Honestly it’s getting to a point where I can’t tell if I’m calm, numb, or just too damn exhausted. Or waiting. Sometimes I start to feel like something is about to happen — that though all of humanity may be completely oblivious to it, the universe is quietly holding its breath.

It all seems so fucking final. Chances that this letter will even stir him to action, nevermind action that gives even some small positive result, is slender and thin. If or when I give it to him, it may well be the last time I ever even see him. I’m not sure I can handle that. Sometimes I’m too fucking tired and numb to care. Sometimes he is the only thing that keeps the sheer dead weight of everyone and everything else from crushing me.

God I’m tired.