Broken Doll

Heidi –

You are just one more piece of shit on a pile I’m already not incredibly happy to be dealing with.

Fucking stop it with the attention whoredom already.

TNGC is not a polyamory list. And we really don’t fucking care about your sexual exploits — much less want to hear about them in intimate, gory detail. Really, all it says is that you’re so damn insecure about your sex life that you constantly need every random stranger to validate you, and it’s pathetic. So kindly post your “look at me!” podcast annoucements elsewhere, thank-you-very-much.

After the shit you’ve pulled in the name of martyrdom, I really don’t need or want a weekly reminder that you exist. Fucking shove off and disappear, you god damned selfish manipulative cunt.

Rant off.

I hate hardware failures.

I hate being the de facto IT person at work simply because I know how to write HTML and they don’t. Seriously, people, I know not a damn thing about mailservers.

I hate hate HATE stupid help desk people. Even more I hate stupid help desk people who realize they don’t have the answers I need and still refuse to let me speak to Second Tier. And do so by claiming that they don’t support and haven’t implemented something I have not asked them to support or implement. Here’s a clue: dude, forget what I said about SPF records, I told you several times that the SPF record has nothing to do with you. What I need is information about your MAILSERVERS (you do support your own damn mailservers, don’t you?) so I can take care of the god damned SPF records.

Oh, and fuck Micro$oft for deciding to give a whole 48 hours notice on the SenderID implementation in Hotmail. It didn’t occur to you that your handy-dandy SPF tool just might be overwhelmed by requests when people try to get in under the wire to make sure their email doesn’t get flagged as spam?

I hate bosses who want the expensive data backup solution but don’t want to pay for it, and consequently don’t do anything at all about the problem.

I hate losing nearly a whole day because of putting out fires like this.

At least my hard drive is still okay.

grrrrr.

oh my god I miss him. I love him. I am so alone.

Today, for the first time in well over a year, I could feel almost normal. Almost happy. Relief and some small measure of peace that it turned out way way way better than I had hoped. For the first time in over a year, I feel that maybe things will eventually turn out okay. I was granted a small miracle — so perhaps another one is possible. I asked for a reason — any reason, if it couldn’t be him — and this is what I was given. A small piece of him, but more than I thought I’d get. Enough for now.

It’s only a first step, small in the grand scheme of things but so huge, so impossible in this moment. I cried in relief. In hurt too — it still hurts, but if it’s a choice between seeing him and hurting or being cut off and drowning in the blackness, I know which one I’ll choose.

Thank you goddess. I’m still sorting out what’s next. Please show me the path.

“People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, But they will never forget how you made them feel.”

He agreed to meet with me on Monday. Even implied (saying his place was messy) that he’d actually let me into his apartment this time.

I half expect to get to the front desk on Monday to learn that he’s already moved out and he only agreed to it, lied to my face, to get me to leave him alone. So he could get rid of me with no one there witnessing him being a dick.

Fucking fucking fucking awful that things have gone so wrong, have gotten so bad, so stilted, that this can even occur to me as a possibility. “There’s a wall of silence miles across…”

Keeping a tight reign on my emotions. This is going to be hell. The waiting, the not-knowing… and goddess only knows what will happen Monday night itself.

Tick tick tick. Perhaps the universe is about to come to an end and I can’t see it, have no hint of it. Completely unaware that in two days’ time everything that still matters will come crashing down on my head.

I have prayed with all my being, created charms, lit candles, tried my damndest to exorcise my own negative energy both spiritually and in counseling, and cried, cried, cried. I can no longer see the path, only the dark. Please give me this. Give me something. I need meaning. I need a reason.