Broken Doll

He agreed to meet with me on Monday. Even implied (saying his place was messy) that he’d actually let me into his apartment this time.

I half expect to get to the front desk on Monday to learn that he’s already moved out and he only agreed to it, lied to my face, to get me to leave him alone. So he could get rid of me with no one there witnessing him being a dick.

Fucking fucking fucking awful that things have gone so wrong, have gotten so bad, so stilted, that this can even occur to me as a possibility. “There’s a wall of silence miles across…”

Keeping a tight reign on my emotions. This is going to be hell. The waiting, the not-knowing… and goddess only knows what will happen Monday night itself.

Tick tick tick. Perhaps the universe is about to come to an end and I can’t see it, have no hint of it. Completely unaware that in two days’ time everything that still matters will come crashing down on my head.

I have prayed with all my being, created charms, lit candles, tried my damndest to exorcise my own negative energy both spiritually and in counseling, and cried, cried, cried. I can no longer see the path, only the dark. Please give me this. Give me something. I need meaning. I need a reason.

“Whatsoever you do to others shall be visited back upon you three times.”

This is the first time I can recall ever seeing this work, even as minimal as it is.

Tonight at the SEDS meeting, Mari made mention of organizing an upcoming fundraiser because Heidi is in poor health.

Yes, finally. After a year and a half I finally get to see her get some of her own. And I feel a great deal of relief that maybe there is some small sense of justice and balance in the universe after all.

It is not three times what she did to me, not nearly, and doesn’t come close to compensating for the entire year-and-a-half of fallout from her one act of calculated malice, but it’s something.

I’m a bit disgusted that anyone would consider throwing money at the bint for any reason, but I suppose I should at least take comfort in the fact that health problems requiring a freakin’ fundraiser are probably a bit worse than your run-of-the-mill problems.

Heidi is a liar and a manipulator. It’s a damn shame that she’s so damn good at it that she has pretty much everyone completely blind to her malice.

Eventually I will post the full explanation of her campaign of lies and what the truth of the matter was. Since this is the only damn place I’ll ever be able to defend myself “out loud” and I’ll never have the chance to say it where it might make any positive difference. But I’m too tired now.

TNGC fucking wears me out. They are either superficially nice to me or they ignore me completely, and I have no damn way of knowing who jumped on the gossip bandwagon, who stood by and watched it happen without a peep of “hey maybe that’s not a nice thing to do,” and who might be completely ignorant of the whole thing. I have no way of knowing what might still be going on (those old rumours shouldn’t be floating back to me again now, if everyone got it out of their systems and got bored with them a year ago), or who’s behind it, or who’s lying and making nice to my face while gossiping behind my back.

It’s like junior high all over again. Only this time the junior high of your worst nightmares. (Hey, I got groped and humiliated in junior high, maybe this time I’ll get raped.)

You people fucking wear me out.