Broken Doll

… that resolving conflicts like a “responsible, caring adult” generally entails speaking to the person you take issue with directly, not sneaking around behind her back in an attempt to manipulate and sabotage her other friendships. Even moreso that you’d do it while I was just out of earshot on the other side of the room. You had absolutely no right to discuss this or even mention it with anyone other than me. Nevermind consideration for me — it is inexcuseably cruel to drag David into your petty powerplay.

My blog is a hell of a lot of work to find even if you’re looking for it specifically. No place links to it. I have never told anyone other than my counselor that it even exists. Even a vanity search on your name didn’t bring it up anywhere on the first five pages. Why exactly are you spending all this time and effort on someone who ostensibly doesn’t matter to you? Whom you’ve had no interaction with for over a year? I didn’t step into your life with that rant. You charged into mine. See above.

I didn’t “out” you. No one on the outside, even if they found it, is going to have any idea what the acronyms mean. I left them undefined and unlinked. I have also never said a damn thing about you that wasn’t absolutely true, which is way more than I can say about you.

Funny how you’re absolutely horrified about a few cryptic references in a blog that no one reads — until you threw a hissy fit and told everyone where to find it (great way to keep a secret, that…). Yet you are so completely unconcerned about the lies you wrote on your own blog — which you encourage a score of mutual acquaintences to read regularly — that you could never arse yourself to do so much as apologize.

February 11, 2004: there’s not a word in there that’s true. You were so completely unconcerned with the truth that you couldn’t even be bothered to get the dates and times right. And then for good measure, you belittle David too. And yet I never took anyone aside or mentioned it to anyone other than you, because I thought that was the mature thing to do. Silly me.

And back to the first paragraph: Keep your dirty paws the fuck off my life. Sabotaging my life once wasn’t good enough for you? So you have to barge in, uninvited, and do it again? You can sit pretty with that “manipulative cunt” moniker — you keep earning it for yourself, over and over, with your shitty, self-centered, childish behaviour. My life and my other relationships are none of your business and have absolutely nothing to do with you. The universe doesn’t revolve around you, sweetheart — it’s about damn time you get used to that.

Confusion.

I don’t even know what to think/write/feel.

They break up. I am, apparently, one of the first real-life people he tells this to, the day after it happens. Odd? He could have gotten out of seeing me if he’d wanted to. He is stoic, of course. Keeps the hurt at arms length. And I wonder… is this my second miracle? Am I being granted this gift?

I don’t think I ever really expected it to happen.

And guilt. Knowing that what I want can only come out of his hurting for a while, maybe badly. And I still want it anyway. I am bad, because I love him and I can’t stand to see him hurting and I still want it anyway.

Such a bitch.

And now… getting back together after a day or two of cooling off. Trying to work things out. He sounds lost and confused. This from the guy who’s always dead-sure of himself.

My own devastation (serves you right, selfish bitch), and uncertainty. We’d at the very least made some sort of progress on figuring out how to be friends again. Not much, but we were working and we were willing… Now what? Will she lay down that he’s not allowed to see me again? Will I lose even the few small pieces of him I have left?

I can hear in what he doesn’t say that he wants it to work out — who wouldn’t? — but is pessimistic. And I think, you bastard, you’re doing it again. Your lack of faith, your pre-determination that nothing can fix it, is going to sabotage you again. You create your own self-fulfilling prophecy.

But even if he gave me the chance to say it, could I? (Bitch!)

And I think, maybe I need to leave completely. Disappear. I asked if that’s what he wanted and he told me he didn’t know. And I don’t think I’m strong enough to make that decision for him. Hell, I’m not even sure I’m strong enough to do it if he did make that decision himself.

And I love him and wish to comfort him and take the pain away and I can’t. There’s nothing I can do. My hands are tied and my heart goes crazy.

I walk the line between wishing for Meg to forgive, the quickest route to healing his hurt, and my heart screaming NO NO NO because I need to belong to him myself.

So I sit and wait and watch in fear, wondering just how it’s all going to fall down.

…and I know it. Irrational and stupid, maybe, but when she said that she didn’t like tattoos, for a moment my heart lept. It’s one more reason why she doesn’t, shouldn’t, can’t belong to you. One more small incompatibility, one more petty irritation that maybe maybe maybe someday will add up into a big mess of annoyance and build up to the breakdown and the end.

Not a deal-breaker by itself, no, of course not. But you left me over things I was willing to try to do for you. And I like tattoos.

Tiny, slender thread of hope. All I have, now.

When I am alone I cry and beg the goddess or God or whoever it is that’s pulling the strings for solace, for a miracle. For you. I belong to you and I always will. Whether you will have me or not, it doesn’t change the beating of my heart.

So.

Phaedra is “up north at the cabin” with her family (per her grandma, nice lady who didn’t get mad that I was calling for Phae at 5 after 10pm).

Rani insists she’s going to spend the entire weekend cooped up inside playing board games with her boyfriend. (Am finding that a little hard to believe…)

David hasn’t responded to my messages at all since Tuesday (and Tuesday was just an IMed question regarding tech stuff). Nothing at all about whether his gf is even going to allow us to hang out together every once in a while (wtf?).

Left a message for my cousin, but have been told that he’s probably going out of town.

Even Sarah is going right home after work to pack for leaving town tomorrow. And I still don’t think it’s a good idea to blur the line between work life and personal life anyway.

And that’s it. There is literally no one else to ask who’d even give me the time of day. So I am going to spend the entire three and a half days alone, with no one to talk to.

Happy fucking holiday.