Broken Doll

Confusion.

I don’t even know what to think/write/feel.

They break up. I am, apparently, one of the first real-life people he tells this to, the day after it happens. Odd? He could have gotten out of seeing me if he’d wanted to. He is stoic, of course. Keeps the hurt at arms length. And I wonder… is this my second miracle? Am I being granted this gift?

I don’t think I ever really expected it to happen.

And guilt. Knowing that what I want can only come out of his hurting for a while, maybe badly. And I still want it anyway. I am bad, because I love him and I can’t stand to see him hurting and I still want it anyway.

Such a bitch.

And now… getting back together after a day or two of cooling off. Trying to work things out. He sounds lost and confused. This from the guy who’s always dead-sure of himself.

My own devastation (serves you right, selfish bitch), and uncertainty. We’d at the very least made some sort of progress on figuring out how to be friends again. Not much, but we were working and we were willing… Now what? Will she lay down that he’s not allowed to see me again? Will I lose even the few small pieces of him I have left?

I can hear in what he doesn’t say that he wants it to work out — who wouldn’t? — but is pessimistic. And I think, you bastard, you’re doing it again. Your lack of faith, your pre-determination that nothing can fix it, is going to sabotage you again. You create your own self-fulfilling prophecy.

But even if he gave me the chance to say it, could I? (Bitch!)

And I think, maybe I need to leave completely. Disappear. I asked if that’s what he wanted and he told me he didn’t know. And I don’t think I’m strong enough to make that decision for him. Hell, I’m not even sure I’m strong enough to do it if he did make that decision himself.

And I love him and wish to comfort him and take the pain away and I can’t. There’s nothing I can do. My hands are tied and my heart goes crazy.

I walk the line between wishing for Meg to forgive, the quickest route to healing his hurt, and my heart screaming NO NO NO because I need to belong to him myself.

So I sit and wait and watch in fear, wondering just how it’s all going to fall down.