Broken Doll

You look at me and that’s all you see.

Broken Doll.

So broken that in your mind it wasn’t worth trying to fix. So you throw the broken one out, get yourself a new one. Just like me — except not damaged.

We could have made it, you and I. We were literally just hours away from seeing the answer.

I was new to it all. I just needed a little time to adapt.

We could have made it. We would have been fine.

Didn’t think it could get worse than when you stopped loving me. But it has. Now you’ve stopped believing in me, too.

…then why am I still raw and bloody?

No way to go back. No “forward” to go on to. My last friend gone. No one left who’d care.

I don’t understand. I have never understood why you left.

You gave me your excuses, yes, but you never told me the real reason.

All those things you said you couldn’t deal with — like struggling — you deal with them fine now.

All those things you said you couldn’t do without — like humiliation, or roleplaying (and I fucking liked roleplaying) — well you do without those fine now too.

Does she ever dress up for you? Or are you doing without that too?

So why? What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough for you? What the hell did I do? Not do?

All those things you never asked for… the trimming? Would not have been a big deal. It’s just not something I ever cared much about one way or the other, and you never told me it was important to you, so I defaulted to the lazy end of the spectrum. I just didn’t think about it. It just wasn’t on my radar. How can I know you want it, that it’s important to you, if you don’t tell me?

You were so patient with me in the beginning. What the hell happened?

You told me that you didn’t want it to end. I believed you — I still do — there was so much pain in your voice. So why in all of heaven and earth did you end it?

It has never made sense. None of this has ever made any sense. What we had, what we were together was magical, something that neither one of us will ever experience again with anyone else in our lifetimes. How could you throw that away? How in god’s name could you throw that away?

I love you, you goddamned fucking bastard.

I can’t say that I understand why you feel things are suddenly different now. I was totally upfront with you in that letter about how I feel about you, what I wished for. AND that I don’t discuss it with you because it’s not your problem. I’ve also told you repeatedly that I’m doing the best I can. Some days I have a better handle on it than others. I’m not sure why that should come as a surprise to you. As I told you, I don’t write when I’m doing okay — I’m out doing other things. And I write, in general, less than once a week.

You asked why it’s been more difficult for me lately. It is because I love you, as I said. And because I love you I can’t stand to see you hurting. And because you are hurting I am very aware of how much I still care. My feelings fell out of that box I put them in — what else can I say?

I have not been asking you for a date. You told me you wanted to remain close friends; I want that too, and I was trying to see it through. Everything I said to you is the truth — I miss being able to talk and hang out like we used to. THAT is what I’ve been asking for. At this point in time I don’t feel like figuring out what, if anything, it would “mean” beyond that. I don’t want it to be that complicated. I just want to be able to talk and laugh with a guy I like, who I have a lot in common with, and who doesn’t laugh at me for liking RPGs or being a geek or being clumsy or not having everything figured out.

I understand that now is not a good time to sort out this part of things. As I said on the phone, I’d already figured that probably the best thing to do is for me to stay out of the way while you sort the other stuff out. I don’t understand, or agree, that this requires us to end our friendship. You haven’t learned anything from my blog that I hadn’t already told you.

I don’t really know what else to say. I know it’s been confusing and difficult for both of us, but I always thought it was worth the work. I hope that once things settle down for you, you will be able to reconsider this. If I hurt you, I’m sorry. That was never my intent. If you thought you were somehow hurting me by spending time with me, you weren’t. You made me happy.

If you ever change your mind, please call me. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

I don’t do helplessness. I’m really really really bad at it. I need to have some level of basic control over my own life and my own happiness.

So, searching worrying trying doing something pro-active or constructive about the shitty circumstances I find myself in — yeah, I’ll do it to death. I’m stubborn that way. Call it a character flaw but it cuts both ways. I’d go all out for anyone that really matters to me too.

Sitting waiting watching while it all falls to shit around my ears — not so much.

Paying the price for someone else’s shitty behaviour — twice — while she not only gets a free pass but approval for it — hell yes I resent it. A lot.

I tried my damndest to exorcise and leave behind those that don’t matter from my life, as much as was feasible, and focus on doing things about the circumstances surrounding those who do matter.

But the loudest voice is the one that gets heard, and this is, apparently, what passes for acceptible human behaviour.