Everything is shallow, and everything is a lie.
Walk into rehersal Tuesday, sit down at the table and over introductions realize that I am older than the entire cast but one by at least seven or so years. Suddenly feel so old, and I know I am just watching time slip away from me like water through a sieve. Almost two years gone, in only an instant, and nothing is better, nothing is accomplished, and jesus my entire life will vanish, I will be old and decayed, and no matter how fast or single-mindedly I work for it the joy and peace I seek, I need, will be forever just beyond my grasp. I am going to grow old like this, grow physically frail like this, die like this, miserable, unfulfilled, alone. And I look around the table, paint a lying smile on my face, and secretly wonder just what in hell we’re all doing here. What does it accomplish? What does it mean? Why bother?
Deep disconnect. Deep, black alienation. And this is what it means to see the world clearly — truly clearly — for the first time.
Thursday. The munch. Walk into a room and see that fully half of the people there are currently not speaking to me. And why? Because I had the audacity to admit to being hurt and angry at being wronged — by them, or by others, or by fucked up circumstance outside of anyone’s control. I was tired already going in — and absolutely exhausted going out. I am hated and have no idea why. I sat right across from David and for the entire time he wouldn’t even look at me. Not once. What the hell has he become?
And interaction is distant and conversation revolves about stupid things like “bad” porn versus “good” porn and I am secretly thinking just what the fuck is all this for? It’s babbling, verbal space-filler, devoid of meaning, devoid of any genuine connection. And this is the truth I’ve been seeing, this gathering storm, this extinction. I can hardly articulate it, but I feel it and know it. I’ve had friends who claimed to love me who then stabbed me in the back. I see people at the munch who make nice to me while I’m there while professing love for those who seek to destroy me. I see a boy who once loved me with his entire being turn his back on that deep connection, on me, on even a cordial friendship, in favor of a girl who doesn’t even trust him. Is this real? Is this genuine? Is this truth?
I don’t know what this is. But it is not good enough for living. It creates this gigantic black hole of need. How can anyone live this way?
Everything is disconnected. Everything is shallow. Everything is a lie.
And apparently I’m the only one who sees it.