fat
Kat :: 6:13 pmSo in the battle of the dueling side-effects, guess who lost? Weight loss, of course.
Of course starting out 15 pounds heavy from winter holiday over-indulgences didn’t help.
Being physically incapable of a brisk 10-minute walk doesn’t help either.
I gained 5 pounds in the two weeks between chemo session number 4 and chemo session number 5. So now 20 pounds too heavy, and projecting similar weight gain for the rest of this hell until I am (hopefully) finally allowed to not have the nurses poison me every other week, that puts me at oh… 50 pounds overweight.
Did I mention that this is nearly the entire amount that I finally lost 8 years ago?
Lovely fucking irony that the one possible side benefit to this hell — losing a few extra pounds — isn’t going to happen. Lovely fucking irony that I’m gaining weight in spite of the fact that I barely eat 4 or 5 days out of 14.
I am panicked enough that I want to start running again. This may be hampered by the fact that I can’t walk, slowly, for half a mile without breathing hard.
So it’s not just robbing me of the year I have to deal with treatment and recovery. I’ll have to lose the weight before I can even start going back to the things I love. Am I going to spend $500 on headshots of the fat girl? Am I going to just audition for the role of the fat loveable sidekick? That’s not me and not my life. I fucking want it back. And how long will that take? Seventy pounds took me almost two years the first time around. Two fucking years.
I’ll be fucking starting over. I did not bust my ass for those two years just to end up back in the same god-damned place.
I look at myself in the mirror at night before bed. My arms are thick, my belly sticks out, I look like a bloated jellyfish. My hair now looks something like a halo you can barely see. My chest and neck are scarred up and there’s this latticework of big blue veins spidering all across the left side of my chest. Who would even want to touch this thing in the mirror? Who would want to even so much as fuck this?