Broken Doll

Spent all night trying to figure out my medical insurance and bills and am more confused now than when I started. The numbers don’t add up and nothing makes sense. I can’t even figure out what to do next to make it make sense. Between what I’ve already paid ($1800+) and what my insurance company thinks I still owe ($1400 here, $300 there…) it totals way more than what my deductible is supposed to be. How did that happen? I don’t even know where to look.

It shouldn’t be this hard. But my brain just won’t work anymore.

So I’m alive but the drugs made me stupid. In conversation with David this morning, I’m in mid-sentence and completely, utterly forget what I was going to say. I couldn’t even remember specifically what we’d been talking about. Even trying to trace back our conversation, for a minute or more, didn’t help. It only came back to me five minutes later, and then again almost disappeared before I could say it!

And it happens so often now, this forgetfulness. I’ve walked all the way out to the street from the office — a trip that takes me five minutes and eight floors down an elevator and an escalator — before realizing that I’d left my wallet in the drawer of my file cabinet. I misplace things. I am utterly stumped by such questions as: “What did you do last night?”  I have mental to-do lists and then completely forget what’s on them once I have the time to get anything accomplished. I feel cloudy and unfocused more often than not.

If this were usual for me I wouldn’t worry. But it’s not. If it were just once-in-a-while, I wouldn’t worry. But it’s all the time. And more than anything else, my brain, my competence, my intelligence is who I am. And now I’ve lost great big chunks of me and who knows if I’ll get it back. I grew up fat and ugly but at least I knew that I was never stupid. And now I am.

stuck in a rut.  constantly tired.  can’t seem to make decisions.  forgetful.  and so fucking fat.  been running for four weeks, finally got up the guts to weigh myself thinking that at least it won’t be so bad, i’ll have lost some of it already.  but of course not.  worse, even, than i’d originally thought.

falling asleep already.  i’ve only been awake for eleven hours.

hate, hate, hate everything.

Tired. At least now being tired is not accompanied by that acid-burn deep in my limbs. But I feel aggravated over this weird transition period. Technically, I’m not sick anymore. But I’m not all together yet either. I get so tired after work. Absolutely exhausted in the morning too, although there’s a brief zone in early afternoon when I feel normal-ish.

And Sunday night I notice that my legs were swollen. Not just end-of-the-day kind of swollen, my ankles were huge and there was a quarter-inch dent where my sandal strap had been. Monday morning I get up and hope the swelling won’t return, but no such luck. My skin was so taut it was itching, and now a half-inch dent at the top of my boots. Called Doc and he told me to wait and see, and call him if it didn’t go away on its own. I’ve been wrapped up in compression bandages from knee to ankle for two days. They’re off now, so far so good…

I have so much to catch up on and no energy to do it. I work all day with annoyingly little to do, so I feel like I’m twiddling away perfectly good time that I could use for something I need it for, but there shall be no surfing for job openings from work. Ms. Micromanagement freaks if I spend five minutes checking email.

But then I get home, get through a run with slightly less staggering than before, and am wiped for the rest of the night. Even washing the dishes is too much. I am hating the wig and only wearing it now so Ms. Micromanagement doesn’t can me for not having a corporate-enough haircut.

I feel fragile. And I have so much shit to do.