Broken Doll

Today I’m exhausted and coming down from the weirdness of the weekend.  So now I’m not so sure how “good” any of this is.  I feel like I got over-excited about this, and lost my head a bit.

I’m not sure the options are really options, or if they only appear to be so.

Even if they are… having options doesn’t erase the fact that I’d have to try to connect with one or the other or both through the giant fucking wall of fear.  I’d be starting over, from scratch, all the way back to the beginning, and oh my GOD I can’t even fathom how exhausting that’s going to be.

And I resent it.  A lot.

Is it even worth it for something that’s probably not got a lot of longer-term potential?  Hell, I don’t want to go through it, I can’t imagine either of them would either.  Not unless there were the brass ring on the other side of the wall.  How many weeks of smashing into walls, over and over, just to get to a point where it might actually be fun?

Is that really what you want from a fling?

Ugh.

I’m spinning in circles.  I’m angry, and hurt, and I want to cry.

There’s nothing here.  Just ashes and water.