Broken Doll

that i spend so much of the past weeks second-guessing how i feel, pulling away, holding back, not allowing myself to feel, to fall.

and now that it’s over, all i want is to have it back.

brain grinds grinds grinds searching for a solution to an unfixable problem. a binary puzzle. on or off. yes or no. no middle ground so who makes the sacrifice?

i can’t. he can’t. and back around to here — an unfixable problem.

the gods mock me. tell me what am i supposed to learn from this? dangle what i want, what i need in front of me just long enough to tempt me to grab for it… then snatch it away. again.

just kidding.

i’m here, i’m alive, but if that’s the purpose why not allow me to intersect with someone who i’m actually allowed to keep?

back here in the dark spaces and why in hell didn’t i just accept fate with grace and walk away from the hospital when i had the chance.