Broken Doll

I’m willing to do the work. More than willing.

But it always falls at the whim of the things completely beyond my control.

They whisper about promises not kept and promise unfulfilled. They mock my choices, dangling before me lives and possibilities that could have been. The demons chatter incessantly, their voices growing. They are many. They are Legion…

“And you will be alone until the day you die,” it hisses malevolently…

I’ve been alone for a while now and I’ve just begun to realize how loneliness can maim the spirit. Over the past couple of months I’ve noticed its corrosive effects…

I want someone to pluck me off the side of the road and love me with total abandon. I’m not talking about God here, not something ephemeral, but a woman, a flesh and blood woman. A woman who’ll cast out my self doubt and drive it into the lake to be drowned. A woman who thinks I’m worth everything.

We’ve stopped dating, he says.   He’s moved on.  We’re friends, not a couple.

So I feel like the lessons learned from my relationship with David have backfired on me here. I didn’t think it would be a good idea to continue on faith that “somehow” we’d find a way, when neither of us had any idea at all what that “somehow” might be. So we ended it, and a week later I find that there is some wiggle room, which could possibly lead to a solution if we examine it… but it comes too late. At the time HE wanted to wait and see and take “somehow” on faith, and I thought that would just be dragging things out… now it turns out I was wrong, and I miss out because no matter how well I try to plan or prepare or use the lessons I’ve learned, it always ends up going the wrong way.

I’m tired. No matter what I do, I can’t win.  And I’m just never special enough to anyone to be worth fighting for.

I say that I don’t understand. I don’t understand why. I don’t understand what meaning I’m supposed to derive from this. I don’t understand, if the gods are supposedly looking out for me, why it seems like I’m being continuously jerked around, denied what I need, isolated, emotionally starved, made miserable.

And then the conversation takes a sharp left turn and we’re arguing. I don’t even understand what we’re arguing about, much less why.

I guess I ought to shut up now. This happened the last time, too. No one wanted to hear about how I felt. They just wanted to argue me out of it.

Well you can’t argue feelings away. I care about him. He fulfilled me. I want him. I was (am) only a short trip away from loving him. This remains true and real and present whether you agree with it or not.

Ever more isolated.

…that I can walk away, if I have to.

I just really don’t want to.

All of these spirits crowding around and leading me to this idea, and is it going to be for nothing?  Why bring me here if it’s no good anyway?