Broken Doll

…is not a word I toss around lightly.

The way I see it

• if you value my company, you will seek it out on occasion. If I see you seeking out the company or conversation of others and not me, I will take that at face value. If I am the only one initiating contact, I will notice.
• If you lie to me, break promises, or are otherwise dishonest, you are making it clear to me that I cannot trust you. If I cannot trust you then by definition we are not friends.
• If you avoid me, ignore me, refuse to speak to me, refuse to spend time with me, or pull away from anything that resembles the way friends interact, then again, by definition we are not friends.
• Making claims of friendship with me, or caring about me, or being supportive of me, when you do not actually do any of those things, is utter bullshit. I doubt you’re fooling yourself, you’re certainly not fooling me, so just cop to it already and knock it off with the flowery promises.

I don’t do dishonesty, and I don’t do pretense or “keeping up appearances.” Either act like a friend or admit that you are not and get the hell out.

I am well and truly sick of bending over backwards to be understanding of you, to be accommodating of your feelings, to know that sometimes things (occasionally lots of things) go wrong for you, only to get none of that in return. When things go wrong for me, you disappear. When my feelings are hurt, you don’t understand. You just walk away.

no real surprises here either…

I feel loved when…

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Physical Touch

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

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Kat, your IQ score is 147 Your overall intelligence quotient is the result of a scientifically-tested formula based on how many questions you answered correctly. But it’s only part of what we learned about you from your answers on the test. We also determined the way you process information. The way you think about things makes you a Visual Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have many diverse talents. You have especially strong linguistic talents and are very good at interpreting visual information. You’ve got your feet on the ground, but your mind is capable of very complex, abstract thought. Compared to others, you are easily able to see situations from many different angles. You also understand how things work in a very practical way. How did we determine that your thinking style is that of a Visual Linguist? When we examined your test results further, we analyzed how you scored on 8 dimensions of intelligence: spatial, organizational, abstract reasoning, logical, mechanical, verbal, visual and numerical. The 3 dimensions you scored highest on combine to make you a Visual Linguist. Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities.

Strong visual and language skills? Whodathunk.

Am I allowed to be mildly tickled that I have (so far) gotten the highest numerical score?

I’m looking around and seeing how happy everyone around me is. They have everything they NEED, quite a few things they WANT and are working and making progress toward more. Me… the things I NEED are continually blocked from me, or dangled within arm’s reach only to be yanked away. I can’t even get to the things I’d like to have, because my needs aren’t being met, and emotionally, I’m starving to death.

My therapist’s brilliant solution to this: get back on the hamster wheel. Keep doing the same old shit because this time it might actually work.

Like I haven’t been doing this since I was 18 fucking years old. IT DOES NOT WORK. Not for me. I’ve been believing in “THIS time” for more than a decade and if “THIS time” were ever going to be any fucking different it would have happened by now.

And this is it, really. No one understands this because for them, if they do the work, it does work out for them. So of course it must work the same for me. Everyone I know has wonderful and relatively stable lives and no one has any idea what it’s like living without, for year after year after year.

Back in the hamster wheel? Try it again? I’m sorry, I’m not going to be happy stuck in the same god damned process over and over and over without getting any results.

This is basically just a life of going through the motions. We’ll PRETEND that anything I do will effect the desired outcome. I’ll live in denial (just like I did before). The definition of insanity is doing the same damn thing over and over and expecting a different result.

And yeah, it fucking hurts that it apparently comes down to pure dumb luck, or something. The career I want relies on the whim of the people doing the hiring. The relationship I want depends on the the whim of the guy. Other people give what they got and are wanted and rewarded for it. I give everything I got and at BEST I’m ignored. Or rejected. Or reviled.

And no one has EVER been able to tell me what that X factor is. Years ago I asked my friends “why doesn’t anyone ever ask me out? Why does everyone I ask say no?” No one could give me an answer. Everyone told me I’m a great person and they just don’t know why.

You have no fucking idea how corrosive it is to live being so utterly unwanted.