Broken Doll

I’m looking around and seeing how happy everyone around me is. They have everything they NEED, quite a few things they WANT and are working and making progress toward more. Me… the things I NEED are continually blocked from me, or dangled within arm’s reach only to be yanked away. I can’t even get to the things I’d like to have, because my needs aren’t being met, and emotionally, I’m starving to death.

My therapist’s brilliant solution to this: get back on the hamster wheel. Keep doing the same old shit because this time it might actually work.

Like I haven’t been doing this since I was 18 fucking years old. IT DOES NOT WORK. Not for me. I’ve been believing in “THIS time” for more than a decade and if “THIS time” were ever going to be any fucking different it would have happened by now.

And this is it, really. No one understands this because for them, if they do the work, it does work out for them. So of course it must work the same for me. Everyone I know has wonderful and relatively stable lives and no one has any idea what it’s like living without, for year after year after year.

Back in the hamster wheel? Try it again? I’m sorry, I’m not going to be happy stuck in the same god damned process over and over and over without getting any results.

This is basically just a life of going through the motions. We’ll PRETEND that anything I do will effect the desired outcome. I’ll live in denial (just like I did before). The definition of insanity is doing the same damn thing over and over and expecting a different result.

And yeah, it fucking hurts that it apparently comes down to pure dumb luck, or something. The career I want relies on the whim of the people doing the hiring. The relationship I want depends on the the whim of the guy. Other people give what they got and are wanted and rewarded for it. I give everything I got and at BEST I’m ignored. Or rejected. Or reviled.

And no one has EVER been able to tell me what that X factor is. Years ago I asked my friends “why doesn’t anyone ever ask me out? Why does everyone I ask say no?” No one could give me an answer. Everyone told me I’m a great person and they just don’t know why.

You have no fucking idea how corrosive it is to live being so utterly unwanted.