It’s snowing…
Kat :: 3:03 pm…and I’m just tired.
All of my friends — the “real” ones, the ones I very very carefully selected, the ones I was sure of, reserved that title for, loved and esteemed in a category well beyond the acquaintances I chat casually with in a coffee shop — they’re all gone.
I checked my phone logs. The last time someone called me who wasn’t my Mom, a doctor, or a wrong number was Dec. 23.
I spend nights alone now. The TV can’t hold my attention because it can’t crowd out the silence that crushes into me. And it’s a piss-poor substitute for a real human voice.
No one wants me. This has been true since before I was born. It’s still true now. And I still don’t get it. I’ve heard the stupid platitudes. Be yourself. Love yourself. And people will be attracted to that, people will WANT that.
Except that it has never worked. It has never been true. I gave up pretense in the third grade. I have been unapologetically me. And still when I let someone in, when I let them see the genuine me behind all the social conventions, EVERY ONE of them turns around and walks away.
As if feeling is a mortal flaw. As if loving is.
(I stand here watching all of you who swore that you cared about me, that I was important to you, abandon me one by one… how did you expect me to react??)
I give up. I feel nothing but pain; and now, more and more, not even that.
I fall asleep not caring if there will be another day on the other side of the dark.