Broken Doll

I’m watching this happen. It happens all the time and it’s happening now. Someone else gets hit by something big, unexpected, painful, emotionally trying… and his friends rally around him. They offer support, they offer comfort, they try to cheer him up, or try to distract him. They understand and care about what he’s going through.

But not for me. My life falls apart, I reach out, and no one is there.

I have been utterly, absolutely cut out of everyone’s life.

The whole world has decided that I don’t deserve it. That I’m the only one who doesn’t deserve it.

And I can scream and rail about how I deserve better than this and it’s completely fucking useless because I can deserve it til the cows come home but that won’t ever make me have it. It doesn’t matter what I think because I can’t make it happen.

So this is my choice. I can be honest, I can be myself, and spend the rest of my life utterly alone because everyone will abandon me, at the first sign that yes, I do in fact have feelings too. Or I can lie, I can hide, I can pretend to be something I’m not just to keep someone, anyone around.

This is my choice. Die from emotional starvation, or survive knowing that my “friends” don’t, in fact, give a flying fuck about me.

What kind of choice is that??

Not a whisper. Not a phone call. If not for work I’d never leave the house because there sure as hell isn’t anyone inviting me to spend time with them.

You lied to me. All of you. You told me you cared.