Broken Doll

Don’t leave.  Not yet.  Okay, I get it that a life-long thing is impossible for us; but for god’s sake, please give it a chance to work for a while.  Don’t you fucking dare slap me with the message that I don’t even deserve to be happy temporarily.  Pragmatically speaking, it’s only been a month — that isn’t long enough to figure everything out.

And chronologically speaking, it’s been two months, and your absence during the last month while you were away on vacation has not made me care less.  We haven’t had much time together so far, no, but it’s been long enough for me to know how I feel.  I didn’t tell you that I’m in love with you only because I knew you weren’t ready to hear it.  But really, the ridiculous things we put ourselves through just to avoid saying those words: I have feelings for you, I care about you, I want you, you matter to me.  All true, and all stupid fucking euphemisms.

Please.  Don’t tell me I’ll easily find someone else.  I haven’t had sex in four and a half years, and that was a one-off pity fuck two days before I started chemo.  You have no fucking idea what it’s like for me.  Relationships, play, intimate human connection may find you easily, but I am fucking invisible.  Don’t tell me I’m not; don’t tell me they’ll be lined up down the block for me.  I live this every fucking day.  I’ve lived this my entire fucking life.  And you have never experienced anything like this, I promise you.

This deserves a better chance than you’ve given it.  I deserve a better chance.  It’s been rough but scheduling will help to smooth things out.  I won’t be begging for your time if I know I’ll have it.  And yes, sometimes you have to sacrifice some spontaneity in favor of making sure things get done. That’s what time management IS, and if you want to get better at it, that’s one way to start doing that.

I’m not asking you to sacrifice important things for me.  I’m just asking to be important enough to be worth letting go of some unimportant things.  We really do have good things between us, and we could have a lot more if you’d quit stressing about “time management” and just do things with me.  I have no idea why you’ll set aside two hours for me but still freak out that we have no time to play.  We don’t need the entire day!  We just need to do it, to connect with each other, during the time that we do have with each other.

God, god, god.  I hate being stuck in this position, yet again, where the only thing I can do is beg.  But I will, because you matter.  And because I deserve better than the shit my life hands to me.  Good god, don’t tell me I’m not even allowed to be temporarily happy.  That’s the least of what I’m worthy of.

Please answer.  Please consider what I’ve said.  For god’s sake, if nothing else, at least tell me no.