Broken Doll

I am trying to communicate and once again I am the only one.

I don’t understand why this breakdown is happening. Always happens.

You promised me — promised me — that you wouldn’t leave. That you’d be here for me, as a friend if nothing else. How on earth can you be here, how can you be my friend when you won’t even talk to me?

Just another guy who lied to me, and left.

I’m not the one doing this. I have tried to talk to you. You shut me out. You refuse.

And you won’t tell me why.

How can I describe an ecstatic ritual? How can I put words to the magic we built? It is an organic, living thing that fills us, fills the room, fills the world. We heal each other, with support and love. We heal ourselves. We are powerful. We are strong. We are beautiful.

I have grown so much in the last few weeks. My roots are stronger and deeper. I reach farther. I belong somewhere — and that’s no small thing. No longer on the outside looking in. I don’t just belong — I am integral. We weave the threads together — of our magic, our craft, our work, our lives. We carry with us this beautiful web we all have made. We all can share this with the world.

Things will never be the same and it is good.

(I love you guys.)

Tuesday, David and I finally manage to set aside time to play, JUST play, and play harder than we have in — well, forever. I dropped right into space. The blindfold was great (new blindfold, very comfortable and virtually no light-leak), which I’m sure contributed to that. At the end he reached down and pulled my hair — for the first time in nearly a year — growling in my ear “See? There’s enough to grab.” It went right through me and touched my soul. I was sobbing, cathartic, relieved, released.

Monday was a series of cognitive tests, among other things, which per my doc do not indicate any sort of organic problem (although he’s decided that I’m bad at math, ha). This still doesn’t explain the forgetfulness or the difficulty in processing complicated things, but at least the actual brain cells aren’t broken. I’ll have follow-up with the social worker next week. Doc is pushing for me to see their psychologist, however. Both have tossed out meds as a possibility, but frankly I’m not remotely depressed enough for the side-effects to be worth it.

Okay… the math thing still bugs me. Mental math just shouldn’t be that hard for me.

Anyway. Wednesday was Spirit night in class. Although the oracle exercise was painful (take it as a roadsign on the path — I’m not ready for such things yet), the trance afterward showed me good things. My place of power has become very solid. It’s familiar to me, so perhaps I saw it in dreams when I was young. It’s a nice, safe zone for me to be in when I need such things. That, and both cats decided to join me there last night, unprompted. I had always joked that my boys were my familiars, but it’s kind of nice to have confirmation that they want the job.

They were both extra cuddly this morning too. I gave them proper thanks in the form of snuggles and tummy rubs.

Finally getting this stuff organized. I am, of course, in the midst of the Elements of Magic class through Chicago Reclaiming. Also working my way through The Spiral Dance by Starhawk, which has been extremely helpful in crystalizing and codifying a lot of stuff that I’ve known instinctually for most of my life, but never had the words to explain.

So I’m attempting to finally develop and organize a Book of Shadows that I can refer back to and use as I go along in my spiritual growth and practice.

With apologies to my significant fanbase (snort), my cyber-stalkers and the voyeurs, most of these are going to be private posts. Sorry guys.