Broken Doll

The only reason I’m not right now is because it would be too much of a hassle to explain it to two dozen medical workers tomorrow.

And if it’s bad news then maybe it’s just time to lay my burdens down. I’m not ready to pick up this fight again, to watch myself waste away. Maybe this is just my time, and it’s about time I accepted it with grace.

It would, after all, make things a lot less complicated. If I missed the road sign the first time around, I should probably give it a good hard look the second time. Maybe it’s time to stop being so damn stubborn and scared, and just make sure I’ve said good-bye to everyone I need to.

And god I want to carve the pain out of my flesh and make it stop. It’s dark down here and it hurts and I just want to let the blood loose to wash it away.

please please please please please

So, on top of having some low-grade cold-like thing since Monday morning which neither gets worse nor better, and increasing fatigue and general run-down-ness over the week…

Today I get a collection notice from the hospital.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the crap I’ve been getting from the insurance company and the hospital for weeks. I had thought that the hospital bills were taken care of because of that random $7000 write-off from the hospital charity department. So this comes as a complete surprise.

My brain just goes ffftt whenever I even attempt to think about trying to make sense of all of this. I made an appointment with the medical claim consultant for Monday because I really have no idea what else to do. I look at all the paper and just get confused.

I’d been feeling tired and depressed all week as it was. Goddammit.

Tuesday, David and I finally manage to set aside time to play, JUST play, and play harder than we have in — well, forever. I dropped right into space. The blindfold was great (new blindfold, very comfortable and virtually no light-leak), which I’m sure contributed to that. At the end he reached down and pulled my hair — for the first time in nearly a year — growling in my ear “See? There’s enough to grab.” It went right through me and touched my soul. I was sobbing, cathartic, relieved, released.

Monday was a series of cognitive tests, among other things, which per my doc do not indicate any sort of organic problem (although he’s decided that I’m bad at math, ha). This still doesn’t explain the forgetfulness or the difficulty in processing complicated things, but at least the actual brain cells aren’t broken. I’ll have follow-up with the social worker next week. Doc is pushing for me to see their psychologist, however. Both have tossed out meds as a possibility, but frankly I’m not remotely depressed enough for the side-effects to be worth it.

Okay… the math thing still bugs me. Mental math just shouldn’t be that hard for me.

Anyway. Wednesday was Spirit night in class. Although the oracle exercise was painful (take it as a roadsign on the path — I’m not ready for such things yet), the trance afterward showed me good things. My place of power has become very solid. It’s familiar to me, so perhaps I saw it in dreams when I was young. It’s a nice, safe zone for me to be in when I need such things. That, and both cats decided to join me there last night, unprompted. I had always joked that my boys were my familiars, but it’s kind of nice to have confirmation that they want the job.

They were both extra cuddly this morning too. I gave them proper thanks in the form of snuggles and tummy rubs.

Spent all night trying to figure out my medical insurance and bills and am more confused now than when I started. The numbers don’t add up and nothing makes sense. I can’t even figure out what to do next to make it make sense. Between what I’ve already paid ($1800+) and what my insurance company thinks I still owe ($1400 here, $300 there…) it totals way more than what my deductible is supposed to be. How did that happen? I don’t even know where to look.

It shouldn’t be this hard. But my brain just won’t work anymore.

So I’m alive but the drugs made me stupid. In conversation with David this morning, I’m in mid-sentence and completely, utterly forget what I was going to say. I couldn’t even remember specifically what we’d been talking about. Even trying to trace back our conversation, for a minute or more, didn’t help. It only came back to me five minutes later, and then again almost disappeared before I could say it!

And it happens so often now, this forgetfulness. I’ve walked all the way out to the street from the office — a trip that takes me five minutes and eight floors down an elevator and an escalator — before realizing that I’d left my wallet in the drawer of my file cabinet. I misplace things. I am utterly stumped by such questions as: “What did you do last night?”  I have mental to-do lists and then completely forget what’s on them once I have the time to get anything accomplished. I feel cloudy and unfocused more often than not.

If this were usual for me I wouldn’t worry. But it’s not. If it were just once-in-a-while, I wouldn’t worry. But it’s all the time. And more than anything else, my brain, my competence, my intelligence is who I am. And now I’ve lost great big chunks of me and who knows if I’ll get it back. I grew up fat and ugly but at least I knew that I was never stupid. And now I am.

stuck in a rut.  constantly tired.  can’t seem to make decisions.  forgetful.  and so fucking fat.  been running for four weeks, finally got up the guts to weigh myself thinking that at least it won’t be so bad, i’ll have lost some of it already.  but of course not.  worse, even, than i’d originally thought.

falling asleep already.  i’ve only been awake for eleven hours.

hate, hate, hate everything.