Calling it “dating” leads to the peculiar assumption that we’re going to skip right over the “hello, we are complete and total strangers” part, and go straight for the “I can’t get you out of my head; I’ve been thinking about you for three days straight” part.

True story, that was the second message I got from this guy; when I hadn’t even logged in yet to receive his first, much less respond to it.

Creepy.

This is why I hate this shit. 

-8 Earth, 3 Air, -3 Fire and 8 Water!

You have one of the seven Water personalities. Water is the solvent that blends things together and flows through pretty much everything alive. Water personalities tend to care about the connections between people and emotions and caring. If you were a doctor, you’d care about how your patient felt.

The Listener is also the Counselor, depending on whether one is introverted or extroverted (sorry, didn’t test for which). You deeply care about people and have enough creativity and sense of right and wrong to generally figure out what is good for them. You don’t like to go out and muck with your friends’ lives personally, but might put a word into someone else’s ear to make something happen. For you it is more about knowing people than doing things.

I want my super-cool computer to finally be fully set up, to work, to have software, and be fecking usable already.

I want David to commit to some sort of schedule this week.  I’ve got a ton of other crap I can do around him, but I can’t schedule it around him if I don’t know when “him” is!  I want him to return my calls.  (Okay, to be fair, he’s been a lot better about this, and it’s only this week, really, where he’s reverted, but it’s pissing me off.  All out of proportion.)

My cat whines when he wants attention.  Good lord I hate that.

I need my damn files!  I need the stuff from my old hard drive!  I need to be able to record my financial transactions on my checkbook spreadsheet already!  It’s been weeks and I have no idea where my money is going!!

aaaggggghhhhhhhh!!!

somehow i’m doubting the accuracy of this “test.” i’ll be the first to admit to a rather insatiable sexual appetite, but “i am the boss”? “the teacher”? not in this plane of reality. partners begging me not to go? i fucking wish.

yeah.  no play last night.  we had A Talk instead.  this really didn’t make me feel any better.

So I’m attempting to finally develop and organize a Book of Shadows that I can refer back to and use as I go along in my spiritual growth and practice.

With apologies to my significant fanbase (snort), my cyber-stalkers and the voyeurs, most of these are going to be private posts. Sorry guys.

You scored as Fetish Goth. You are a Fetish Goth, you love to spank, tisk tisk, you love the leather.

Fetish Goth		95%
Romantic Goth		90%
Vampire Goth		80%
Mopey Goth		70%
Pagan Goth		65%
Goth Geek		50%
Perky Goth		40%
Raver Goth		30%

What kind of goth are you?

Really, all I want is for all the god damned pathological liars to stay the hell out of my life.

I do not want to run into her at Faire.  I do not want to know she is at Faire.  I do not want her anywhere within the sphere of my life at all.  It was bad enough she continued to hang out at group events years beyond reaching the supposed cutoff age.  I would prefer to not even be aware that she still exists.

I just want to go out and fecking celebrate finally being done with all this cancer shit without having her existence nagging at the back of my mind that yes, Virginia, truly evil people, while rare, do in fact exist.

Fuck fuck goddammit.

I feel like such a bad mommy.

Last night Merlyn was lying on my bed when I went to bed, and even stayed for a while after I tucked myself in. He hasn’t done this since the move, so all I was thinking was “aw, he wants to sleep with me again, how sweet…”

This morning there was a small spot of kitty puke where his head was.

There’s been a lot of kitty puke lately, but neither one of them let me catch them in the act so I have no idea if it’s just one or both of them. Plus I figured that it was mostly 1. hairballs from summer shedding season, and 2. when not hairballs, well, they both have a tendancy to eat too fast.

This morning Merlyn was curled up on the couch and not clamoring for breakfast. It suddenly occurred to me that he hasn’t been clamoring for breakfast for… two weeks maybe? The food dishes haven’t been getting emptied by day’s end lately, which I again wrote off to it being summer and they’re using less fuel to keep warm.

I pet Merlyn, and he seemed sleepy. Or lethargic. And I suddenly noticed that his hip bone was more prominent than it used to be. He was never a super fat cat, but he has had a little extra padding in the past couple years.

He jumps down, and I stand over him to get a birds-eye view of his back. Am I imagining that he’s distinctly narrower around the belly?

I pick him up. He doesn’t squirm, for once. No heft, either. He seems feather-light and I feel like I’m crazy, or making it up in my head, or just completely stupid for it taking me this long to notice. If he’s noticeably lighter than wouldn’t that mean he’s lost a good tenth or more of his body weight? It’s not like I’ve weighed him in recent history, so I don’t really have anything to compare it to. I don’t know.

Shit.

So I am freaked out and anxious and have to get through an entire day of work before I can go home and dig through his old vet records. It would appear that vets ain’t cheap nowadays, and while I have a recommendation from Sarah, it doesn’t appear that they’d be any less expensive than my original vet, so there’s not much incentive to switch at this point. I want to double check my last vet bill to see if I’m remembering their fees correctly, and luckily both places are open late-ish tonight and early tomorrow morning, so I hope I can get an appointment first thing tomorrow.

Why did I not notice this earlier? I know cats are very good at hiding when they’re sick, but how could I not notice him suddenly dropping a huge amount of weight?

Shit shit shit. I have a dozen horrible scenarios running through my head.

But I am incredibly grateful — I am pain-free. I remember a time just a few months ago when I worried that I would never again know what that felt like. And it feels good. And I’m so happy about that. There is only that weird static-like not-quite-painful sensation that comes on during the ten-to-twelve days after chemo. There are no words to describe that. It’s not exactly pain, not exactly nausea, and “discomfort” is just too vague. I can’t even think of anything to compare it to — it’s like nothing else I’ve experienced. How to get people to understand what that feels like… how much it cripples me in small, subtle ways? I can’t.

But every once in a while I do notice the lack of pain. You become so used to thinking of painlessness as the default that you forget that it feels like anything. You don’t notice. But I do.