Broken Doll

And so it goes on, again, as it always does.

I only get true and aggressive interest from those who see me as an object instead of a person.

For the others… those I really connect with… well.  I’m good enough to fuck, but not good enough to love.

Morgan.  Jason.  Now Sean.  I’m too much work.

And what was my crime this time?  Wanting to work in time to see him into a very busy weekend.  Trying to organize our schedules in advance.

God forbid I should tell him when I’m busy, when I’m not, and saying that I want to see him whenever it would work for him.  God forbid I should try to give him all the scheduling info at once when I had time to do so because I was about to run off to a fucking wedding.

For that, he has stopped responding.  Just a “ooh jee, busy this weekend, how about next week?”  And now, nothing.  Not like he didn’t see my message saying that was fine.  Not like he hasn’t had time to even write one lousy sentence saying yes, no, busy, later… or even “I changed my mind.”

Nothing.

Outside of my own head, that’s all I’m ever worth to anyone.  And I have no fucking idea why.

Dearest Lugh — when you tell me that love will find me (in May, mind you), you know damn well that love means actual love, not “I’ll fuck her as long as she’s not too annoying.”

You know what I’m looking for.  You know the hole in my soul.  You know what I need.  You know damn well that lying to me about “finding love” only makes this shit worse.

I don’t know if I’m going to make it. The gears of the Universe appear determined to crush me.

I would give anything just to have someone to say that to.

so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

Not great, but okay. After abandoning the whole idea of OKCupid for a year and a half, I am attempting again, for lack of better options.  I put myself out there, in the real world, but whatever new people I meet are either not interested, not interesting (in that way), or taken.  So.

Aside from the obvious trolls, messages from OKCupid make me feel obligated to respond, just in case, to cast the net wider even if I’m not really seeing the potential for this particular person. And honestly I don’t like that.  Even simple conversations suck up hours of time to conduct via email —  for someone who may or may not even be committed enough to show up for an in-person meet.  I’m committing a lot of energy for, probably, very little return.  I’d much rather let this stuff happen naturally in the course of committing my energy to the stuff I already commit it to, in public spaces, meeting people in the course of doing my art and living my life — two birds with one stone — except it apparently doesn’t work.

There is a coldness, an emptiness, to my day-to-day that isn’t filled by the stuff that crams my schedule.  I still come home to an empty house. Most often I have very little reason to leave it.  I miss the love that isn’t there.  I miss having a reason that isn’t motivated almost entirely by a need to pay the rent.

And for those who message me, who I respond to just in case, and yet it makes me uneasy because the conversation, the progress, the plan is not in my control. I didn’t select him; I have no plan, no contingencies, for how to direct him to a comfortable and safe face-to-face meeting.  If he doesn’t mention photography, the photo club is out.  If he says he’s agnostic, the spiritual groups are out.  Kink demo for a first meeting?  Possible, but hardly ideal — too loaded.  And, well, there’s not much else.

There’s no way to get completely away from the artificiality, and it makes things awkward, makes me uncomfortable, and makes me want to pull away and give up without even trying.

There’s not many good ones left… if any at all.  This should have been settled years ago.  I should have been given that chance.

I am not close to anyone, except my mother. Not even as friends. No one knows my heart.

It makes me softly sad.

Kinky holiday stocking.

Yeah. I remember last Yule I was begging for the light to return.

I’m still waiting.

Power?  Really?  And where exactly is this power manifesting?

Your Spiritual Number is One

You bring a strong, positive energy into other people’s lives. Your intentions are pure, and because of this, you are powerful when you act. Right now, your life is both about new beginnings and closure. It’s not an understatement to say that your whole world is changing. No matter what comes to pass, you are ready to tackle it. You have the ambition and drive to have your life turn out the way you want it to.

Your result for Personality Elements Assay … Listener / Counselor

-8 Earth, 3 Air, -3 Fire and 8 Water!

You have one of the seven Water personalities. Water is the solvent that blends things together and flows through pretty much everything alive. Water personalities tend to care about the connections between people and emotions and caring. If you were a doctor, you’d care about how your patient felt.

The Listener is also the Counselor, depending on whether one is introverted or extroverted (sorry, didn’t test for which). You deeply care about people and have enough creativity and sense of right and wrong to generally figure out what is good for them. You don’t like to go out and muck with your friends’ lives personally, but might put a word into someone else’s ear to make something happen. For you it is more about knowing people than doing things.