Broken Doll

I love listening to thunderstorms.

I hate listening to them alone.

So far very very unimpressed with DBT-style “mindfulness.” I’m practicing the exercise, but anxiety is like a spoiled child — it feeds on attention. So rather than the simple background awareness of my emotional self on the non-verbal level, I am supposed to stop and label it. Which brings it into the verbal level, and now it’s got my full attention and won’t just slip away.

Even when attempting to describe my emotions to someone else, I’m not focused on labeling, I’m focused on why I need to tell them how I feel in the first place, and how to effectively communicate to resolve the problem. The verbal-level focus is on the other person, not on what my emotions are called.

Honestly, I’m never not aware of how I feel. The only thing that changes is what I’m doing about it (or can do about it).

The pain of it is, now that “must do the exercise” is on my mind and therefore in there at the background, non-verbal level, this labeling thing pops up whether I want it to or not. I haven’t been able to focus on work all morning, because the verbal level of my mind is VERY VERY AWARE OF HOW ANXIOUS I AM, AND WHY, AND NOW I’M UPSET BECAUSE IT WON’T STAY IN THE BACKGROUND OR GO AWAY.

So what happens if I go through this, discover that my methods work better, but am now messed up because of this awareness of how it “should” work (according to some)?

The Frog Prince
If you understood what he held in his hand, perhaps you would be more eager to kiss him.

If only you’d let me. You have no idea how much I wish I could.

because this is how you all see me…

I have so far spent about 5 or 6 hours working on my tax return.

I have not yet gotten to all of the medical-related paperwork.

sigh.